Book Excerpt: 7 Common Feedback Mistakes—a Diagnostic

An exclusive excerpt from Fueled by Feedback: Rethinking the System That Shapes Leadership, Trust, and Culture

Even the most well-intentioned feedback can go sideways.

We may soften a message so much that its meaning gets lost. We may postpone a conversation until frustration has taken over. Or we may say the right thing at the wrong time, in the wrong setting, or through the wrong communication channel.

These mistakes don’t necessarily mean that we’re bad leaders or poor communicators. They are patterns—and recognizing them gives us an opportunity to make a different choice.

In this exclusive excerpt from Fueled by Feedback, I share seven of the fourteen common feedback mistakes I’ve encountered in my years of coaching senior leaders.

Before You Begin

As you read, approach these patterns with curiosity rather than judgment.

You may recognize them in:

• The feedback you give
• The feedback you receive
• The habits of your team or workplace

Notice what resonates—not as a verdict, but as information. Awareness is a powerful entry point for change.

Common Feedback Mistakes: A Diagnostic

Across my years of coaching senior leaders, I’ve seen how easily even the most well-intentioned feedback can go sideways. There are fourteen common missteps that often stand in the way of creating a culture where feedback is productive, meaningful, and welcome.

As you read through this diagnostic, notice what resonates—not as a verdict, but as information. You may recognize these patterns in yourself, experience them from others, or see them playing out in your workplace. That awareness is a powerful entry point for change.

Each pitfall also maps back to the core leadership competencies explored in the chapters ahead, offering a lens for understanding not just what goes wrong in feedback, but why—and what it takes to do it differently.

Feedback Mistake #1: Sugarcoating

Sugarcoating happens when the real message gets buried under niceties. The intent is to soften the blow or avoid discomfort; the impact is usually vagueness, confusion, or nothing landing at all. When feedback is overly diluted, it stops being feedback and becomes a performance of communication. The conversation feels pleasant, yet expectations remain unclear and behavior doesn’t change. Over time, both sides get frustrated: The giver wonders why nothing improves, while the receiver senses something is off but doesn’t know what to do differently.

Leaders with people-pleasing tendencies are especially susceptible. Avoiding discomfort in the short term may feel relationally safer, but over time, it erodes trust and creates greater disconnection. As Pierre Martineau said: “The greatest enemy of communication is the illusion of it.”

You may recognize this pattern when—

• Feedback conversations feel agreeable but unproductive
• You leave relieved it’s over, yet unsure anything will change
• You realize later that you never quite said the thing

Missing core competency: Courage

Feedback Mistake #2: Avoiding or Procrastinating

Some leaders delay feedback because they hope the issue will resolve itself, or because they don’t feel ready for the conversation. But silence sends a message too, and it’s often the wrong one. When feedback is postponed, small issues compound. Organizational psychologist Liane Davey refers to this as feedback debt: the accumulation of conversations that should have happened but didn’t.¹⁷ Over time, that debt turns into resentment, misalignment, lowered standards, and a culture of mediocrity—and it makes the eventual conversation more charged than it needed to be.

When we wait too long, issues grow roots. The discomfort we were trying to avoid becomes harder, not easier, to confront.

You may recognize this pattern when—

• You keep telling yourself, I’ll address it next time
• You have a mental list of conversations you know you should’ve had
• Feedback only comes out once emotions are already high

Missing core competencies: Compassion, courage, both/and mindset

Feedback Mistake #3: Delivering Feedback Too Aggressively

Being direct doesn’t mean being harsh. This mistake happens when candor is delivered without care, causing feedback to land as unkind, judgmental, or demeaning—even if accuracy was the intent. Some leaders pride themselves on “just being honest,” but honesty without compassion often creates defensiveness rather than growth. While this approach may produce short-term compliance, over time it chips away at trust, motivation, and psychological safety.

The most effective feedback holds standards without shaming and invites reflection rather than resistance. As Indra Nooyi, former CEO and chairwoman at PepsiCo, put it: “I learned to use ten more words to convey my message. And I think it was the best lesson I learned, because you’ve got to think about the message you’re sending and also how you’re sending it. Ultimately, you’re talking to people, not machines.”¹⁸

You may recognize this pattern when—

• People shut down or get defensive during feedback conversations
• You leave feeling “right,” but less connected
• Feedback creates compliance rather than ownership

Missing core competencies: Compassion, presence, active listening, both/and mindset, curiosity

Feedback Mistake #4: Confusing Facts with Opinions

This mistake occurs when feedback sounds like a judgment rather than an observation. Leaders fall into this trap by stating opinions, interpretations, or assumptions as if they were objective facts, which creates defensiveness and debate. Effective feedback starts with what you actually observed and its impact. Only then can you layer in your interpretation. When facts and opinions are blended, they end up defending intent or character instead of reflecting on behavior.

Simple language shifts matter. Phrases like “What I noticed . . .” or “My experience was . . .” signal that you’re sharing a perspective, not delivering a verdict, thereby creating room for dialogue and shared understanding.

You may recognize this pattern when—

• Conversations turn into debates or justifications
• People push back on your conclusions rather than exploring behavior
• You feel certain you were clear, yet the feedback doesn’t land

Missing core competencies: Curiosity, both/and thinking, active listening

Feedback Mistake #5: Being Too Rushed

Even well-intended feedback can fall flat if the timing or setting is off. Comments squeezed into a hallway encounter, just before logging off, or at the end of a meeting can make feedback feel like an afterthought—or a drive-by critique.

Effective leaders are intentional about timing. They check in first, make sure it’s a good moment, and prioritize the relationship alongside the message. Feedback needs context, space, and presence. Without enough time to slow down, ask questions, and engage in dialogue, people focus on how it was delivered rather than what was said.

You may recognize this pattern when—

• Feedback is given on the fly or at the very end of a conversation
• The other person seems surprised, distracted, or shut down
• You move on quickly without space for questions or dialogue

Missing core competencies: Presence, compassion, active listening, curiosity

Feedback Mistake #6: Using a Feedback Sandwich

The “feedback sandwich”—where constructive feedback is nestled between two layers of praise—is never as delicious as it sounds. While the intention is kindness, this approach often creates confusion rather than clarity. Some people hear only the positive feedback and miss the constructive point entirely. Others grow suspicious of praise altogether, assuming it’s simply a setup. Over time, genuine appreciation feels strategic rather than sincere.

When you have something important to say, clarity is more effective than camouflage. Separate appreciation from developmental feedback so each lands cleanly.

You may recognize this pattern when—

• People seem unsure what part of the feedback matters most
• Praise starts to feel transactional
• The core message gets diluted or overlooked

Missing core competency: Courage

Feedback Mistake #7: Choosing the Wrong Communication Channels

It’s tempting to dash off feedback over email, Slack, or text. But written communication—especially on sensitive topics—often lacks nuance and warmth. Without tone and facial cues, messages may be misread or feel harsher than intended. With remote and hybrid work, the risk is even higher. As more interactions happen through screens, leaders must be more deliberate about how feedback is delivered. The medium itself helps shape how the message lands, and whether it builds connection or creates distance.

Whenever possible, feedback is best shared live: in person, over video, or on the phone. Real-time conversation allows for tone, clarification, and responsiveness in the moment. As Erica Dhawan, author of Digital Body Language, says: “Video or phone calls are worth a thousand emails.”¹⁹

You may recognize this pattern when—

• You rely on written feedback to “get it done” quickly rather than having a conversation
• A message lands more strongly than intended
• Back-and-forth clarification is needed after the fact

Missing core competencies: Compassion, curiosity, presence

Which of These Patterns Feels Familiar?

Which of these patterns feels familiar? Which one do you recognize most in yourself?

Recognizing a pattern isn’t a reason for self-criticism. It’s an opportunity to pause, become more intentional, and make a different choice in your next conversation.

These are seven of the fourteen common feedback mistakes explored in Fueled by Feedback. You’ll find seven more in the book—along with the core competencies and practical tools that can help you move beyond them.

Fueled by Feedback: Rethinking the System That Shapes Leadership, Trust, and Culture will be available on Amazon and B&N starting on September 29, 2026.

Learn more about Fueled by Feedback → https://widelensleadership.com/fueled-by-feedback-book/